My infertility journey began so many years ago that it is hard to recollect it all. I just want to block it all out and forget the pain of the last 5 1/2 years. A very quick summary--clomid, one AI, laparoscopy finding severe endometriosis, several HSGs showing my reproductive organs in a huge jumble, two IVFs, one FET, one pregnancy lasting 8 1/2 weeks, one devastating D&C after the heartbeat stopped, and a recently discovered very rare blood clotting disorder. Bottom line--if I ever did get pregnant again it could be a serious threat to my life and it more than likely would not last past 8 weeks. The main problem here is my body. Our new adventure begins with taking ME out of the equation.
I am beginning my last IVF cycle on April 6th and am transferring my children to a surrogate. I have had so many conflicting emotions through all of this but right now I am just trying to focus on having hope. It has been a long time since I have allowed hope into my life. I have just been going through the motions so I wouldn't look back when I am 45 and regret not doing that second IVF or having that second, or third, or fourth panel of blood work done to find out what is wrong with me.
This is a new beginning...a new chance and a new hope. By expecting negative news all the time it protects me somehow. In the past I haven't allowed myself to dream of decorating a nursery, having a baby shower, picturing what it will be like in the hospital when the nurse hands me my baby. As scary as it is I am trying to think of these things. If I could wish this baby into existence it would have happened years ago.
I am inviting you on my journey with me. I can't promise you a happy ending but I will do my best.
3 comments:
I feel honored to be the first to comment! Congrats on the blog. I hope your dreams DO come true, you know we've been down this dusty road togethor for far too long...
It's time for a happy ending. Good luck with the upcoming cycle!!!
Yay, Kim! Glad to see you here, and a wonderful first post! I'll be cheering you on the whole way....you will get there, to your miracle!
Wow Kim K., your beginning almost had me in tears.......I truly believe in my heart, regardless of your present situation with a surrogate, your dream of children will come forth. I pray you do have a baby shower (girl you don't have to be preggers to do this) in anticipation for your upcoming baby(ies). Also this dream is obtainable and I know you will have it come to pass and soon. Blog away girl, I hear it's quite therapeutic :-) Vee
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