Still here!

Hello Everyone!
I am so sorry it has been so long. I do have a reason for this though. This site was to be my journal through surrogacy. Well, that journey ended on June 16. I will probably pop in here once in a while to let you know what is going on with my life but right now we are not at all focusing on a baby. I just wanted you to know that I am doing very well. My doctor put me on 20mg of Paxil and is still working on getting my sleeping regulated. Ellie is still such a huge blessing to our lives and we don't want to take anything away from our time with her by adding a baby to our family right now. I started a new job as an elementary school librarian and I absolutely love it. AND I am taking flute lessons. I am repairing my relationship with God--which I struggled with after our surrogate's D&C in mid-June. My infertility care group which I lead at our church may have two new ladies come to the next meeting! I thank you all for your support. Yes, we are considering adoption. We are considering an egg donor. But we have SO much debt we want to try to pay some of it off before we embark on another adventure. I hope all of you are doing well. Please write anytime. :)

Our New Baby!

Hello my friends! We are back. We had the most amazing summer. Besides the European cruise that I posted about already we went to Oregon for about 5 weeks and to the Caribbean for a week. The Caribbean cruise with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend was much better than I thought it would be. We had a good time and made some good memories. He is off at college in another state so I am glad we had that time together.

OK, now for the big news!!! We adopted Ellie last Thursday. Here is the back story--Last May I subbed for a class that went on a field trip. I was sitting next to another teacher on the bus and tried to make conversation. I asked her if she had any pets. She told me this long old story about how her husband just brought home a dog one day recently. She seemed pretty pissed about it. She has two small children, job shares as a 3rd grade teacher and her husband works 12-15 hour days--7 days a week. She had no interest in having a dog, let alone training one. So I asked her what kind of dog it was...She said a min pin!!! I absolutely freaked out. I started asking questions. Come to find out her name is Peanut she is now 6.5 months old, about 6.5 pounds and since no one had time for her she WAS JUST LIVING OUT IN THE BACKYARD!!!!!!!!!!! It was still really cold at night in May and thinking of a tiny baby min pin curled up under a bush just made my heart break into a billion pieces over and over. I gave the teacher my phone number and said if she was interested in giving her a new home we would gladly take her. It has been a very long, slow process of e-mailing back and forth, not hearing anything for weeks, and just feeling sick to my stomach about the whole thing since we couldn't get her until mid-Aug. BUT we got home from Oregon late Wed. night and went to pick up Peanut (Ellie) the next evening.

Neither of us can believe that we have another dog, let alone another min-pin. She looks and acts so much like Killer it is like seeing a ghost sometimes. We just love her so much already. She is sooooo good. I think she realizes how good she has it and wants to please us. It is such a strange feeling to actually WANT to get up in the morning, to be home all day and not depressed, to laugh again. She is sleeping on my lap right now as I type this--all is right with the world.

Finally updating (a little)

Hello all,

Here is one picture. I have approximately 310 more but that is a bit overwhelming. This is an amazing cathedral in St. Petersburg, Russia.

We have been in Oregon for the past few weeks and have had a few days at home now. We are leaving Friday for a Caribbean cruise with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend. I am rooming with his girlfriend and Aaron is rooming with his brother. That may make an interesting post when I get back. :)

For a quick update on me. I actually have not been doing well. I have LOST weight (usually I gain about a half a pound a day on cruises), I am not sleeping, I am breaking out, my blood pressure was high, my sugar was high, I am having constant panic attacks, and I am utterly and desperately depressed. These symptoms have been going on for a few years but have really gotten worse, a lot worse, in the past couple of months.

We had lunch with J and her family this week and she is doing surprisingly well. We didn't discuss another round, we didn't actually discuss anything baby related. I have no idea if she would even consider transferring the last embryo we have frozen. I know I wouldn't and I don't think I can even ask her to go through all that again. I don't want to go through all that again.

Thank you all for your patience with me. I hope you are all doing well.

Sorry

Hello my friends. Sorry I have not updated in a long time. I have been avoiding it. As you can probably guess the heartbeat stopped while we were in Europe. J had a D&C on June 16th. We were in Russia when we found out the news--my dad called the ship. We were/are devastated.

The cruise was amazing. We loved London and are so glad we planned three days there before we got on the cruise. I am just now starting to get back on this time zone. We were up to 11 hours off at one point on the trip. Talk about jet lag. We got home on the night of the 19th did tons of laundry, paid some bills, had a couple dr. appts and drove 14 hours to Oregon on the 22nd. My parents have a lake house that is our favorite getaway. We look forward to it every summer and couldn't wait to get here. We are in Oregon now and doing a whole lot of nothing. We are spending a lot of time talking and trying to figure out what to do next. We have one frozen embryo left and it is pretty clear that it isn't worth it for me to go through another IVF. Money is a huge concern right now since we will be in debt for the next 25 years just from this last attempt.

Again, I am sorry for avoiding posting. I have just been taking a vacation from everything. I hope you are all doing well. I will try to get around to posting some pics from Europe soon.

We are Outta Here!

After counting down this day for months it has finally arrived. We are leaving for Europe in the morning. We will not be back until the 19th of June and I am sure I will have lots to report when I get home. And lots to catch up on with all of you. Take care!

Quick Update

I have been putting off writing this all day but I just need to get it over with. Our ultrasound today didn't go well. The baby is now measuring a week and three days too small and the heartbeat is only 94 bpm. The doctor told me that we definitely have "reason to worry." This is exactly the same scenario we had with our last pregnancy last year with the exact timing and problems. This does not bode well for any future attempts. We are expecting the heartbeat to stop by Saturday. The next ultrasound will be next Tues. to see what is going on. We are obviously more than devastated and really don't know where to turn. We have exhausted all options of having a biological child and this breaks our hearts. Thank you for your prayers during this time. I will post again soon when I feel more up to it. I just wanted to give you the quick update.

School is Almost Out!

Since my husband and I both work for the school district we have the summer off. We are actually traveling even more than normal this summer. Hence, the diptheria shot I mentioned a few posts ago. In six short days we are off to London! We have been planning this trip since last Sept. when we got the phone call with our last negative BETA. We had no more frozen embryos and no more parental financial support. In tears, I called our wonderful travel agent and told her to book me a cruise to Europe. She found us a great deal and I can't believe we are actually going. Since it was such a long time away we just figured that if we were pregnant by now we would cancel it and get a full refund. We discussed this trip with our surrogate and the agency. We didn't want J to feel like we took off to Europe and left her behind to do the dirty work. Everyone encouraged us to go. I am SO glad we are going. First of all, it has been something for me to look forward to. Second, we really just need to get away from everything for awhile--together.

We are flying to London next Sat. (June 3) and we are staying there for 3 days. Then we board a ship in Harwich for a 12-night Northern European cruise. Europe is a trip we have put off for 6 years now. A very cool thing is that we will be celebrating our 6 year anniversary on the ship. We will still have access to our e-mail but I will not be able to post while we are gone. If you guys post comments here I will get them though. :)

I will still be around for a few more days and will definitely let you know how the ultrasound on Tuesday goes. I am still trying to be hopeful about it all. We will be leaving for London at 8 weeks 4 days into the pregnancy. Last year the heartbeat stopped at 8 weeks 5 days. Needless to say we will be checking our e-mail alot and trying not to worry while we are away.

Ultrasound

Well, as always for me it is the worst-best case scenario. Always enough to make it one more step but not enough to leave us feeling relieved. There IS a heartbeat. If we could just leave it at that we would be fine. Then the measuring started. When I miscarried last year the baby was measuring 2 days behind at this point. So today we were saying that would be the worst (while still getting a heartbeat of course.) We were shocked when the doctor told us the baby is measuring 5 weeks 6 days--we are 6 weeks 6 days!!! That is a full week behind. According to the dr. it is still ok (but he said that last time--so it is hard.)

There were two sacs-meaning we did start off with twins and lost one early on. That made me sad. Having one not implant seems easier than having it implant and not survive for some reason. Since the numbers were so low to begin with we know it didn't hang on for very long at all.

So, once again, we move forward--still hanging on. We have another ultrasound next Tues.
We don't really know how to feel about all of this. Having been through all this before and losing the baby at 8 1/2 weeks. We just can't handle that possibility right now.

Baby Shower

This weekend was my sister-in-law's baby shower. I rented out the community clubhouse in our housing development and it turned out very nice. I am not even sure how many women ended up coming--at least 40 I would say. My other s-i-l planned all the games and my m-i-l made all the wonderful food. I was the official 'greeter.' Which is very funny to me since 1) I didn't know anybody 2) I detest baby showers 3) I was/am sick and 4) I am majorly introverted. I agreed to do it and it went ok. My choices were to be a greeter and assistant m/c or work in the kitchen. I will do almost anything to NOT have to work in the kitchen.

I psyched myself up by getting a new haircut the day before (and a diptheria/tetinus shot--more on that later) and wearing a cute skirt with flip flops. The part that made the day bearable was the fact that my surrogate attended. I had brunch at her table and sat with her and her mom for the gift unwrapping. The gifts are always the hardest part for me. I just sit and wonder if I will ever unwrap wee clothes, shoes, toys...etc. All the cutesy stuff that means baby. I did ok though. I made THE official crib bedding and was kind of stressed about it. My s-i-l and I have very different tastes and these are the colors she wanted. I am not very fond of them. She ended up loving it (or at least said she did) and the surprise went over well.

That afternoon we stopped by J's house to drop off some more stuff from the pharmacy. I noticed she was wearing jeans again and I was kind of bummed. When she was at Disneyland two weeks ago she had to buy sweats in the middle of the day because she was uncomfortable. That was exciting to me. (It is sad what excites me these days.) So, I asked her about it. She said they were from the maternity store 0-3 months and had an elastic waist! Is that the strangest thing to be happy over or what?!

This Tuesday is our first ultrasound. J will be 6 weeks and 6 days. There should be a heartbeat by now. We are all very anxious for Tuesday to come.

Very Quick Update (updated)

Well, the numbers are still going up. They are going up even slower than before but they are still rising. We were doubling at a 74 hour rate and now it is at a 90 hour rate. (48-72 hours is how often they are supposed to double.) The ultrasound is scheduled for next Tues. May 23. I think I am doing ok; I had a really emotional weekend and kind of a melt down on Friday night. At least the numbers are still rising, right?

14dp5dt-470
16dp5dt-737
21dp5dt-1853 yikes.

Update to the update--Good news. Actually two pieces of good news. First of all, my very good friend, K, had her first ultrasound today and there was a heartbeat!! One more milestone passed. The second piece of good news is that K found a chart about doubling rates. It says that after the numbers hit 1200 they slow down a bit and the doubling time is between 72 and 96 hours! We are within range!!!

Some people just don't think.

Today has been a pretty hard day to say the least. We have sunk more into this endeavor than Aaron and I made TOGETHER last YEAR. We are going to be in debt for the next 25 years unless we can pay the second mortgage back before then--by some miracle of a rich uncle dying that neither of us have. We are trying to be hopeful but it is so hard when we have already been down this road before.

Tonight Aaron, my friend K, and I were at this place where we assemble dinners for the month and then take them home and freeze them. It is a great idea and we have been doing it for months. (I wrote about my friend, K, several posts ago--she is a week ahead of me in all of this after many miscarriages and her numbers weren't doubling. As far as we know it is still going ok though because the numbers picked up. Her ultrasound is next Monday.) K-if you read this I hope it is ok that I wrote that. :)

Anyway, the owner of this dinner making establishment knows us very well. In Feb. 2005 they assembled all of our meals for us the day we had to put Killer to sleep--for $50--but she was so empathetic. We have discussed our infertility journey a little bit since many times between K and myself we were either doing the shots, feeling crazy, or just about to have an egg retrieval (or all of the above.) A few times K's DH came and put the meals together when she was on bed rest!

So, we got there tonight and put on our aprons. (Yes, my husband is wonderful. He assembles all the difficult meals so K and I can talk without messing up the measuring.) We were ready to get right to work and the owner said her hellos and then said, "There is a group of new ladies here that are assembling meals for new moms for Mother's Day, isn't that nice? Wouldn't it be wonderful to have all these meals as a new mom?" K and I looked at each other and wanted to puke but we smiled and finished tying our aprons. We must have given the owner a look or something--that she obviously really misread--because next she said under her breath, "Yeah, better them than us!" Huh? Did she just say what I think she said? K and I walked away and thank God K was there with me so we could stare at eachother in awe. Did she think we just left our 10 kids at home with a nanny and are so relieved that we have these precious few hours away from the madness?!

Oh, what I would give to be able to celebrate a Mother's Day. It is looking more and more like that may not ever be a reality. Today of all days, why did she have to say that? It took quite a bit of energy to peel myself out of bed this morning after the doctor's phone call. The last thing I needed was someone rubbing my face in the fact I am childless and evidently should be happy about it. I know she had no idea that what she was saying was offensive. Maybe she missed the whole "infertile" part of the past 2 years of us going there. I don't know.

Losing Hope

Well, I FINALLY got my results.

14dp5dt-470
16dp5dt-737

I am just a mess. That is 74 hour doubling time. Is there any hope? I am so sick of all of this.

You have GOT to be kidding.

Ok, I am royally ticked off right now. You are NOT going to believe this. At about 1 today my M-I-L, S-I-L, and my 11 month old niece came over to wait for "the call" with me. I was so thankful to not have to wait alone today. The office staff gets back from lunch at 2:30 and that is when I typically recieve these calls. ('Cuz who doesn't need a two hour lunch every day!!) Anyway, the only time they have waited until closing at 4 is when they were calling with negatives. By 2:30 I had already worked myself into a frenzy--most likely really concerning my in-laws about my mental stability. At 2:45 my S-I-L said, "Just call THEM." I have NEVER given in before but this time I did--and I called. Nice nurse says, "Hmmm, the results aren't here yet, let me call the lab and see." She calls back saying, "The paper wasn't marked STAT so they haven't done it yet!!! It will be done in an hour." The poor woman waited to go home, waiting for my results. They never came. She called the lab again and was told the results won't be done until several hours after the lab has closed tonight. So now we have to wait until tomorrow. My wonderful M-I-L and S-I-L waited with me all the way until 5 pm tonight. I am so thankful for them. Needless to say I may have to be committed soon. This wait is killing me.

Why?

Why do things have to be so hard? The average HCG levels for 14dp5dt is 1061. J is at 470. That makes it pretty obvious that we have already lost one and that the last one is hanging on with his/her arm buds. I am just sick about it. She has another bloodtest on Wed. to make sure the numbers are doubling. I really don't know what else to say.

Feeling Anxious

Hello my friends. Tomorrow is the first BETA and I am quite nervous about it. I have spent the past 13 days in my happy bubble--the last 7 of those days knowing J was getting positive HPTs. But, she is not really feeling all that pregnant. She said with her girls she was feeling really sick by now. I know that every pregnancy is different but I am having a hard time being positive right now. I have spent the past few days trying to figure out what the numbers 'should' be for twins on Day 14. Now I am just hoping for numbers. Obviously I don't want her miserable and sick but I will feel a lot better when we have some confirmation that things are going ok in there. Tomorrow's wait will be SO hard for me. She is going in at 8 am but I probably won't get any results until 1 or 2 pm at the earliest. Any words of encouragement?

No BETA today.

Just a quick post to let you know the first BETA is still on for next Monday. All I would do with numbers right now is stress out about them. Now I don't have to worry about that until next week. J said she is still doing great and that the test line is darker than the control line on her HPTs now. On Saturday I am having a bunch of my friends over to scrapbook. It is an all day event and usually pretty tiring. I am hoping to get some of my own srapbooking done but I doubt I will. Are you doing anything fun this weekend?

Waiting

Now we wait. Our first BETA is supposed to be next Monday. Day 14! I only had to wait until Day 10 for mine so I asked the Dr. about it. He said any day after Day 10 is fine but Day 14 is the best. Whatever. I told J that she could decide when it is convenient for her to go. I don't know what she has decided yet. As far as we know everything is still ok. I have to tell myself that. Until I hear otherwise we are going to be excited and expect a baby (or babies) in 36 weeks. Thank you all for your good wishes. I know many of you are going through hard times right now and I know what it is like to be on your end. Excited for me--yet devastated for yourself right now. I am so sorry. I wish I could share this with you all or make it happen soon for you too. It is a weird place for me to be after almost 6 years.

Day 6 HPTs

This morning J took a different brand it came up with a faint +. This evening she took another one--the digital one and here it is!!! She said she had been avoiding me for the last few days because she had been feeling sick but didn't want me to get my hopes up since it was so early. I am seriously thinking twins now...oh my gosh.

I e-mailed my RE today asking if we can have the first BETA on Thurs. instead of next Monday. When I had my 5 day transfer I only had to wait till Day 10. I am confused as to why they would want her to wait until Day 14. Especially since she has had positive HPTs since Day 5! We will see. For now--all is good. I can't believe it. 5 1/2 years of waiting for this moment and now that I am here I don't know what to do with myself. Do I do what 99% of people do when they get pregnant? Do I think about it constantly, think of names, dream of what it will be like to ACTUALLY have a baby? Aaron and I stopped thinking like that about 3 years ago when it really became apparent that it wasn't going to happen 'the old fashioned way.' I don't want this moment to end. I want to allow myself to think like that, even if only for a few weeks. I don't want to spend the next weeks stressing about the numbers, saying I will wait to get excited when we have the first ultrasound and find out that 'they' are the right size. I want to bask in my moment like most women do. Am I crazy? Am I setting myself up for more heartache?

A FAINT PINK LINE!!!!!!!

I am almost shaking too much to even type this! J just called and said she tested tonight again and there is a faint pink line. We are in shock. Is this real? Is this it? Oh crap, is it twins? We would be thrilled with one or two, boy or girl, who cares?! I am going to go throw up. I will post the pic of the pee stick when she sends it to me.

On a more serious note. For those of you who pray--please pray for my friend, K, her numbers didn't double with today's bloodtest. Although all could still be ok she has been through hell and, of course, expects the worst.

First Day of Testing

After dreaming about it all night--which surprised me--I finally got an e-mail from J just now. It says, "Nothing yet." It would be very early to have it be positive, I know. But still, wouldn't that be cool? Since I have never had a positive HPT all of this seems oddly foreign. I just think, "Well of course it is negative...what else would it be?" Not in a sarcastic way, just in a realistic way being all that I know.

This morning I started bleeding which freaked me out. I am not expecting my period until the end of next week. I usually have a day or two of spotting too. Hmmmm. My body is still really messed up from all the shots and my BBs are KILLING me. I always thought it was from all the progesterone they gave me after the transfer but since I haven't had any this time it must be from all the shots. I will actually be glad to have this cycle overwith so my body can go back to 'normal.' Whatever that is.

To HPT or not HPT.

Since I am not the one carrying these embryos around I do not have any say as to whether J does an HPT or not. It didn't even occur to me until we were getting ready to leave my RE's office. J said she was going to start testing within a few days. As most of you know, with all three of my IVF cycles I NEVER did an HPT. I just held out to the last second, hoping, praying that I would get a positive phone call. After 5 years of trying to get pregnant and months and months of ovulation kits and HPTs I was not willing to spend the money on even more disappointment. I have heard that once you get that second pink line it is a huge rush...obviously it would be. That is a 'fix' I have never experienced, so for me it is just a waste of money and time. J on the other hand has had that magical moment twice. (She has two beautiful daughters.)

So, now I debate with myself. Of course I want to know the second she gets that pink line...but if it is nearing the date for the bloodtest--which will be 14dp5dt--and I haven't heard anything I will have to assume that it is still negative. When I had my 5 day transfer I only had to wait 10 days so I may complain to the office. We will see. If she gets a pink line I will call them up and demand that bloodtest on day 10. I want numbers! This is a sticky situation.

My good friend suggested that I go to her house every morning starting Saturday and demand a urine sample. Then I could go out to the car and test it myself! That made me laugh so hard. Can you imagine? (This friend also got back her first BETA today with 109!!! Congrats, K!)

So, what do you all think I should do? Should I hold out like I have in the past and tell her I don't want to know? It is hard for me to think of her knowing before me at all, let alone having to keep that information to herself. Should I tell her I want to know the daily details? Should I have her not tell me until it is REALLY positive? Is a faint line worth telling me about??? I have not had hope in so long. This really could work. The more I think about that the more afraid I become of not hearing anything once I know the HPTs have started. Any advice?

Transfer complete!

Yesterday was more stressful than I thought it would be. I was so happy that for ONCE I was going to see my RE and I didn't have to take off my pants or get poked with a needle. All the decisions were made, we knew we had 4 blastocysts and we were ready to go. I decided to be rebellious and not even shave my legs--a rare thing for me even in winter. Aaron and I drove down with his dad. His mom and sister were in a separate car that followed us. The office is about an hour away, close to Los Angeles. When we arrived my surrogate, J, her husband and one of her daughters were already there as well as my parents. Quite a waiting room full of family! I felt bad for the one couple that had to sit there with them all. As soon as we got there one of the nurses called me into the back. I thought I had to sign some paperwork or something. She took me to the back and started getting ready to draw my blood. What the heck!? My part is DONE. My eggs have been out for 6 days and I am finally beginning to heal from all the shots, bloodtests, and the IV. I was so pissed. She said they needed 5 vials for STD's. Heeellllooooo, isn't it a bit late for that? The results won't be back until several days after the embryos are already in her! Whatever. I sat there and told her I was so excited that I didn't have to take off my pants and have an ultrasound that I didn't even shave my legs that morning. She just stared at me. Next thing I knew I was being ushered into a room to have an STD culture. GRRRRR. Off went the pants. Evidently this was all supposed to be done last week but it was overlooked.

After all of that I was in a bit of a frenzy. The RE called us into his office to talk about the embryos. We had 3 that were excellent and ready to go and one that was a little slow so they wanted to keep an eye on it for another day. Fine. Just put two in like we all agreed on months ago and freeze the third. The RE then proceeded to give us reason after reason why we should just put in all 3. I absolutely freaked out. Everyone seemed ok with it--even though everyone had been totally against more than 2 being transferred up until then. We have concluded that the problem is my uterus. I absolutely would not be ok with selective reduction if she got pregnant with triplets, or the complications that often accompany triplet pregnancies/births. After much debate...we transferred two.

The transfer went smoothly. It was amazing to be in the room to see what happened. We got some great pictures. Aaron got to be in there too. So, now we wait. Again. The bloodtest isn't until May 8th. Two full weeks. Usually it is 12 days with my RE but that would fall on a Sat. so we wouldn't get the results until Monday anyway. I am sure I will find stuff to post about in the meantime. :)

Transfer is set for Monday!!!

I am back from my Women's Retreat and it was great. I am so tired though. We got the call on Friday that all 4 embies are still dividing nicely and the transfer is set for Monday. I couldn't believe it. I got to go to the whole retreat and not have to leave in the middle for the transfer! When I called my husband on Sat. just to say hi he told me that the embryologist called--herself! I freaked out. Usually just a nurse or someone from the office staff calls. Anyway, she just wanted us to know that all four were still dividing--one was at 8 cells and the other three were at 10 cells. Right where they want them on day 3, I guess. I was so relieved. God is amazing, if I would just relax and stop trying to control every detail of my life. Tomorrow is the big day. We have several people coming. My surrogate and her husband, my mom and dad, my husband's mom and dad, Aaron, me and possibly my sister-in-law. It should be quite the full waiting room. Maybe I will post a pic or two. Thank you for your prayers. We have a long way to go still but I am SOOO thankful to have made it this far.

The Nail Biting Continues

I got the call at 7:45 this morning. Out of the six eggs retrieved yesterday four fertilized. Four. I am grateful--it could have been worse. But of course, it could have been better. Tomorrow is the call that tells me when the transfer will be. There is a very good possibility that it will be Sat. Which is the worst timing for everyone involved but what can you do? I am ready for something to just work out. The way things seem to just work out for other people. I have had a hard time today staying positive. After over $48,000 spent on JUST this cycle so far I would really like some results. This is just a huge gamble. We are taking our money to the roulette table and putting it on red. We have a 50/50 chance. Please keep those prayers coming--those fingers and toes crossed too.

EGGS!!!

FINALLY the eggs are out!! I have 6 eggs hopefully fertilizing as I write this. Of course I had hoped for more but they are much better quality than last time. I have 3 excellent and 3 good. I am supposed to get a call by noon tomorrow to tell me how many fertilized. I am so anxious to hear the news and so nervous. We have not had a fertilization problem in the past so I am trying to relax about it--since there is nothing I can do about it anyway. I am really hoping for a five day transfer which will be next Monday. I am still cramping a bit from the procedure this morning but I know that will pass soon. I feel so elated that 'my part' is over. I even accepted a 3-day substitute teaching assignment for next week--5th grade. Three days in a row in a class I have never been in. Yikes. I am so ready to just feel 'normal' and be off the drugs. I have not felt like subbing in awhile and now I am just excited to be ABLE to. Now we just wait and pray for those little embryos. In a perfect world I would love to have at least 4 make it to blastocysts but we will see...

I am SOOO done.

Ok, I am ready for a body transplant. My retrieval has been bumped from today, to tomorrow, to Monday and now to Wednesday of next week! I will have done 13 days of shots--$5,250 worth. My ultrasound today obviously did not go well. After 2 days of growth I now only have 7 eggs and they only grew about 1 mm, if that. Why does this have to be so hard? I feel like crap and I just hate people right now. I hate what these drugs do to my emotions. Let alone the fact that I am on an insane dose--for way longer than the 'normal' person. Grrr. What a crappy way to spend spring break. DH has to go back to work on Monday. All of this was supposed to be done by then. This has turned into a blog of complaints and frustrations. Sorry about that. I am hoping the exciting 'journey' part is about to begin--if we can just get these eggs out of me.

Slow Going

Today was another ultrasound. I am so sick of ultrasounds. Anyway, I left very frustrated and angry with my body. My ovaries are made of steel and just do not respond to the drugs. The eggs are still growing but sooooo slowly. The retrieval was originally planned for Sat. now it has been bumped to Monday. Of course the most inconvenient day for all involved. Today the technician only recorded 7 eggs. I don't know if she just missed the other two or if they just decided to stop growing. I have another appt. on Sat. to check the progress and make sure Monday will still work. I am so ready for the shots to be done.

Follicle Watch 2006

Today was my first appt. with my RE since I began the shots last Thurs. After a blood test and a short wait I was excited to find out how many eggs I have growing in there. Several minutes passed while the technician was poking around in there looking for follicles. FINALLY she began measuring them. I have 9. Yes, only 9. I am on so much medication! 4 vials of Repronex, 4 vials of Bravelle, 1 vial of Luveris and two Clomid pills every day! I can't believe how my body just does not respond to it. Oh well, nothing I can do about it. I just hope those 9 are good quality and that at least half of them make it to blastocysts. My surrogate also had an appt. at the same time and I got to see her. Everything looks great with the lining. she is so positive this will work. I am soooo glad these guys are going into her healthy, happy, normal, optimistic body.

Emotionally I am a wreck. I have done really well up until today. I don't know if it was the dr. visit or if it is just all the drugs finally kicking in and turning me into a lunatic. I am so grumpy and irritable. My retrieval may be bumped back until the 17th. That would mess many things up. My husband, Aaron (for future reference), would have to take the day off work--the day after getting back from spring break. That is never easy. Then the transfer wouldn't be until the next Sat. when I am 'supposed' to be at a women's retreat at the beach an hour away with my mom. I have had this to look forward to for many months and what are the odds that it would be THAT Saturday that the transfer would be scheduled on?! We will see. If those eggs get growing by the u/s on Thurs then HOPEFULLY the retrieval will still be on Easter. Please, oh please be on Easter.

In other news, Petey's "nose" is stuffed tonight. He has been off his medication for 4 days. I will need to be put in a padded room if he gets sick again. I just can't handle any more right now.

Killer

Here is a picture of our baby, Killer, in the back of my kayak in Oregon. He just never wanted to be left behind. This is obviously when he was pretty old but he had a great time that summer. It is not a good picture of me so just look at how cute Killer is.

Killer Duke Monore
April 21, 1991-February 12, 2005

Sick

I am sick...again. I have a horrible cough and I am sure you can all imagine how good that feels to the poor, bruised tummy every time I cough. Ouch. BUT it is spring break! We have the next week off and all we have planned are doctor appts. I have completely cleared the calendar of all human contact--in case I am a raging lunatic from the meds then I have less people to apologize to later. :) Petey only has 2 more days of medication. I can't believe it has already been 43 days. Poor guy. He is molting and looks horrible. I just hope when the medication runs out on Sun. that he doesn't get sick right away again. This would not be a good time to be stressing about the bird. I will try to get a picture of him up close. He really does look awful between the molting and the pink medicine all over his face.

My next appt. with the RE is on Tues. That will be when he counts how many eggs I have going. I am hoping for more than 10. I am a VERY poor responder to the meds even though I am maxed out on several different kinds. Repronex, Bravelle, Clomid and Luveris. Yikes. I am hoping for a quiet weekend at home and a full recovery from my cough.

It begins.

This morning I had my appt. with my RE to go over all of my meds. Like I even need this appt. but oh well. I followed directions and nodded--knowing I could explain it better myself. The nurse gave me my first injection. She hit a vein. Not only do the 4 vials of Repronex already hurt like heck going in but she hit a vein! My stomach immediately swelled up and turned purple. Now I can't bend over or sit comfortably because my jeans put pressure on the area. Oh boy, here we go! How the heck am I going to do 19 more shots when one whole side is already bruised?! I am going to have to get creative and use legs, arms, butt, whatever doesn't hurt already. Well, at least it has begun and I can start counting down the days until retrieval. Looks like it should be on Easter.

Today's Adventure

You know how sometimes things just happen and you find yourself in the weirdest situations? Well, about 20 min. ago I was leaving my mom's house--the house I grew up in since I was 3. Wait--I need to back up a bit--I must begin by telling you that I am overly emotional right now having stopped the birth control pills on Sun. after only 9 days and am now having estrogen withdrawls or something. I have been snippy and irritated at everything and everyone over the last 24 hours.
Ok, back to my story. I am getting in my car in the pouring rain and I hear, "Hello Stranger!" from down the street. I look to see a 'friend' that I have known since my parents moved there in 1977. This 'friend' used to lock me inside the gate so I couldn't leave; I would scream to my mom down the street but of course she never heard me. The louder I screamed the more excited her dog would get and the dog would start humping me as I curled up into a crying ball on the grass. The dog was a female for crying out loud!!!
Anyway, this 'friend' is standing in the street holding a perfect, tiny, baby girl. IN THE RAIN!! Just standing there. I think she may have been getting the mail for her grandmother who lives there. I start to drive down the street and of course have to at least stop and wave since I haven't seen her in about 7 years. I unroll the window to attempt to fake a happy, "Hi, I'm not infertile, let me see your perfect baby!" I have myself totally psyched up for it.
She reaches down into my car and PUTS THE BABY IN THE PASSENGER SEAT! Oh, I can not tell you how close I came to just flooring it and leaving the state. I smile at her and ask her name. I ask the mother if I can have her. Ha ha, he he, I AM SERIOUS. She says, "Good luck breastfeeding her!" Heeeeelllllooooooo, there is this great stuff called formula!!! I actually pick the baby up--something I NEVER do-- and hold her. She smiles and laughs while I talk baby talk to her--something else I NEVER do. I just wanted to die.
She is right, I will have problems breastfeeding IF I ever even get the chance to be a mother this through surrogacy. I just felt so empty. I handed the baby back to her mother who then told me that her oldest is 13 and she has another one that is 5. Wow.
I am off to acupuncture in a few minutes and boy, do I need it. I haven't slept in 2 nights. I just lay there with my mind racing all night long. I am hoping she has some advice or herbs or something!
So, that is my adventure of the day. Anybody else have a good one to share?

Petey

This is the most recent picture of Petey. I will post a better one soon. This was just convenient.

This is my DH and I on a cruise in January.

Where to Begin?

My infertility journey began so many years ago that it is hard to recollect it all. I just want to block it all out and forget the pain of the last 5 1/2 years. A very quick summary--clomid, one AI, laparoscopy finding severe endometriosis, several HSGs showing my reproductive organs in a huge jumble, two IVFs, one FET, one pregnancy lasting 8 1/2 weeks, one devastating D&C after the heartbeat stopped, and a recently discovered very rare blood clotting disorder. Bottom line--if I ever did get pregnant again it could be a serious threat to my life and it more than likely would not last past 8 weeks. The main problem here is my body. Our new adventure begins with taking ME out of the equation.

I am beginning my last IVF cycle on April 6th and am transferring my children to a surrogate. I have had so many conflicting emotions through all of this but right now I am just trying to focus on having hope. It has been a long time since I have allowed hope into my life. I have just been going through the motions so I wouldn't look back when I am 45 and regret not doing that second IVF or having that second, or third, or fourth panel of blood work done to find out what is wrong with me.

This is a new beginning...a new chance and a new hope. By expecting negative news all the time it protects me somehow. In the past I haven't allowed myself to dream of decorating a nursery, having a baby shower, picturing what it will be like in the hospital when the nurse hands me my baby. As scary as it is I am trying to think of these things. If I could wish this baby into existence it would have happened years ago.

I am inviting you on my journey with me. I can't promise you a happy ending but I will do my best.