Showers!!

The showers have begun...and so has the countdown. The c-section is scheduled for November 30th. ONE MONTH FROM TODAY!!! My husband, being an English teacher, was given a 'book' shower. It was so much fun. We received many great books from a lot of his friends from work.


Today was my first shower. It was given by the ladies in my Bible study. About 40 women attended and I received SO much stuff. It was strange being on the receiving side of a baby shower. It was even kind of hard. So many times I have silently cried while watching friends and family open adorable teeny clothes and sweet cards. Today was my turn. There were definitely some tears--tears of joy obviously but tears of sadness for all the loss over the past seven years. I am so grateful for our birthmother and the ultimate gift she is giving us.

Ramblings

I just received a call from a friend that was in my infertility care group that I lead last fall. After a few months of very uninvasive infertility treatments last fall and earlier this year she and her husband decided to 'give up' and adopt. I was happy for her in that she felt as if she had exhausted her resources emotionally and financially and was ready to 'move on.' I am much more stubborn and it took me 7 years and hundreds (literally) of thousands of dollars to feel at peace with 'moving on.' As I have most likely stated before--I didn't want to look back at 45 yrs. old and have regrets of not trying something to have the biological child that I so desperately wanted.

I am so grateful to be at peace with my infertility and our choice to adopt. It isn't a last resort and it isn't 'settling' for second best. I truly believe it is just all God's timing. My mind and heart needed time to heal and Kara wasn't ready to be created yet. Even her amazing birthmother has said that she feels Kara was conceived for us.

Anyway, back to my phone call. My friend told me that they finally passed their home study and would be placed with a baby probably in Dec. or Jan. They are doing a foster-to-adopt situation so it is different than ours. She told me tonight that she is six weeks pregnant and had to put the adoption on hold.

This is the first pregnancy I have been told of since I knew my daughter was on her way. It is the first time that I didn't have the twinge of jealousy and sadness for myself at the same time of feeling joy and happiness for a friend. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle and I have proven to myself to be quite a pillar of strength through a lot more than I thought I could ever live through.

I really don't know where I am going with this. I have so many mixed emotions. Mostly of utterly missing my daughter even though I haven't even met her yet. I have dreamt about her several times and feel like she is already so much a part of my life. I am ready for her to come home. I am ready to hold her and dance with her in my arms. I am ready to cry with her when she has been crying for an hour and I can't figure out why. She just seems so real.

I need to go to bed but I felt I needed to capture this moment and these feelings.